How to get fired

“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to get into it.”

Ah, shit.

As soon as I heard those words, I knew what was coming next. After all, I had said them before myself.

I was being fired.

Lesson #1: The grass isn’t always greener

I started my career running a product design agency. When I was running the agency, my biggest fear was having to shut the whole thing down.

Realistically, that wasn’t going to happen. We might have to go through layoffs (which wouldn’t be much better), but it would take a lot to completely kill the company.

And still the fear kept me up at night. Every time sales would slow down, or a team member would leave for another job, my cortisol would spike.

Then, in the summer of 2022 we got the opportunity to sell the company to one of our longtime clients. I thought once I sold my business, the fear would go away. Spoiler alert: It didn’t.

Now I had a new fear - getting fired.

When the fear didn’t magically go away I asked myself what I was most afraid of. The answer was simple, but painful. I didn’t want to fail. More specifically, I didn’t want other people to see me as a failure.

I was afraid of having to tell my parents, my partner, my friends, and future employers that I had tried and failed.

Ultimately, it all came down to ego.

I tried to label the fear, and manage it. I worked hard trying to learn a new role, deepen my technical skills, and win over my team members.

Then one day I joined a 1-on-1 with my boss and I heard those words. My fears were coming true.

Lesson #2: When the moment comes don’t drag it out.

Those who know me well know I can be a bit of a hot-head. I prefer the term passionate, but hey - it’s something I’m working on. And yet, when I got the news, I was totally calm.

Once you’re there, having that conversation, there’s nothing else to do. You’re not going to change anyone’s mind, and unless you believe you were unfairly fired it wouldn’t be good for you or anyone else to pick a fight.

Don’t drag it out. Say thank you, ask for feedback and next steps, then start the process of moving on.

Trust me when I say that killing them with kindness will feel better than anything else.

Lesson #3: The company who hired you failed too.

I can’t claim full credit for lessons 2 or 3, I learned them from the first person I ever had to fire.

When I was running the agency, we hired a young engineer who was full of potential. He aced our test, and seemed really sharp in the interviews. We could tell he was junior, but we were excited to work with him and add a new perspective to the team.

But once he came onboard, it quickly became clear that he needed a lot of support, and we weren’t set up to give it to him. It was putting stress on the team, and we were struggling to keep our heads above water as it was.

So we fired him.

It was our failure more than his. We failed both to identify what we really needed and give him the support to be successful.

I’ll always remember his reaction when we gave him the news. He was clearly upset, but immediately thanked us for the opportunity, asked for feedback and next steps then said goodbye.

Lesson #4: Take time to get your ducks in a row.

As soon as I got off the call I immediately started doing the math on my savings and spending. I decided I didn’t need to rush to find a new job (a position I was very fortunate to be in, for most people that is not the case).

Then I called an attorney friend to look at my contracts, started to sort out my equipment, figure out Cobra and unemployment, and start letting my friends and family know what happened.

Note: You can negotiate severance. While you don’t have a ton of leverage, it’s in the company’s best interest to make sure the split is amicable. They will typically ask you to sign a separation agreement in return for severance and until you sign it everything is negotiable.

Lesson #5: Give yourself time and space to grieve.

From there, the anxiety would come in waves. Sometimes I would be fine, excited even. Other times, my stomach was in knots and my chest felt tight. For the first week, I couldn’t sleep. I would toss and turn in bed at night, then wake up early.

I started taking long walks, a habit I fall back on when I’m feeling anxious. One day I got on my bike and rode until my legs screamed.

This experience is a lot like going through a breakup, and it comes with real grief. You may be sad to leave your team, and to miss out on the challenges and the wins that will come. To not be there for the inside jokes and the celebrations.

You also won’t ever know exactly where it went wrong. You’ll know what they tell you, and what you experienced, but that will only ever be a part of the whole story.

But just like any breakup, the feelings fade. The anxiety becomes less and less intense, and you begin to adjust to your new normal. The more people you tell, the easier the story gets.

Lesson #6: Stick to your values. People will notice.

I was given a strange, and unusual gift when I was fired. I got to stay on for a month.

Hold on - that’s not the gift.

This meant that I was still in Slack when they told the team. I asked my boss not to sugarcoat it, I didn’t want them to paint the situation as a mutual decision or a layoff. So I saw firsthand everyone’s reactions to my worst fears coming true.

For years my therapist has told me not to build my identity on my work, but on my values.

You don’t ever have complete control over your work. You might fail. You might lose your role or title. You might have success. Much of what happens will come down to factors outside of your control. So building your identity on your work (or your relationships, or anything external) means building on a shaky foundation.

Instead, build your identity around your values. You can always control whether you act in accordance with those values.

When the team got the news, I saw how much more they cared about my values than my performance.

The messages that poured in were about how I treated them, how I made them feel, how they saw me handle hard situations. Yes, your performance will have an impact on your career. But don’t underestimate the importance of living your values and treating people the right way.

A few weeks later I was at the beach with some friends. I woke up one morning struck by anxiety, my heart rate spiking, my mind jumping ahead to all the what-ifs.

I took a breath, and repeated my values like a mantra.

Courage. Creativity. Honesty. Love. Balance.

As the words echoed in my head, my heart rate slowed, my breathing eased. I didn’t know what was going to come next, but I knew what I could control. I would fuck up again, sure, but I could always choose in the next moment to live my way.

Lesson #7: Take as much time off as you can afford.

Over time, I felt all of the things. Anger, resentment, sadness, grief, jealousy, nostalgia, gratitude. But gradually the emotions eased, and I moved toward acceptance.

I learned to have empathy towards the people who made my job difficult, and gratitude for the lessons I learned. Although don’t get me wrong, I still donated all of my company swag and thought snarky thoughts from time-to-time.

If you can afford it, I would encourage you to take some time off. We spend so much of our time working, and for many of us, these periods in between jobs may be the only times during our adult lives when work is not taking up 8 hours of our day.

Before I was fired I had been planning to take two months off in the fall to walk the Camino de Santiago, a dream I’d had since I was 12. I stuck to those plans, and it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done.

I know that not everyone can take an extended sabbatical, but take the time you can afford. It will be worth every penny.

Lesson #8: You’re not alone

My biggest hope in writing this is that if you’re going through something similar, you will know that you’re not alone and you don’t need to be embarrassed or upset with yourself.

I have been fired. It does not make me less valuable as a person.

I have fired people. It does not make them less valuable as people.

No matter how bad it feels now, this will pass. You will find another job, hopefully one where you are appreciated and supported. And ideally you will find meaning outside of work too.

In our culture, we praise ambition and while we say, “don’t be afraid to fail,” all signs point to the opposite. We make fun of basketball players for getting dunked on, even though playing rim defense is both critical and very hard. We cringe away from comedians who bomb, even though no great comedian has ever gotten there without telling bad jokes along the way.

There is no shame in trying and failing.

When I got fired, it wasn’t a total shock. I was doing work that was new and challenging. I was in over my head. But that’s where I’ve been for my entire career and that’s where I plan to stay.